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Open minded BK, new to site (Read 1503 times)
Lorena

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A new place to begin

Posts: 4
Open minded BK, new to site
04/13/13 at 15:12:43
 
Hello everybody,
Decided it was time to check in, as have been reading a whole lot of the posts on here, & didn't want to just go on receiving, without also giving. Giving thanks number one, for the fact that this particular forum exists and to the contributing members themselves. Won't mention by name necessarily now, just have 'gotten to know' you guys a little through all the shares on here, & its a beautiful thing, everyone's honesty, intelligence, courage & integrity.
I am actually a current BK, haven't left 'the fold,'  just would probably be accurate to say "am in the fold, but not the mold." lol. Have become less afraid to color outside the lines. The same way a tiny child will enjoy the coloring page a great deal if allowed to decorate it how he likes.. in sharp contrast to the little fellow with adult looming over shoulder making sure picture comes out with factory-made like precision perfection.  Yes there's the framework you're given, the general idea you want it to take shape as in the end, (thus we're given certain disciplines to help us get there) but you make it come to life through your own uniquely creative process. I do follow the cornerstone disciplines of shrimat, but not beleagueringly so.  If that were the case, I don't think I'd stay. Vegetarianism was never an issue. Being intoxicant free according to BK was a natural progression from the 12 step programs I had already found myself in, and celibacy was also welcome. Let me state here for the record all this does not mean desires just took a flying leap for themselves!!!!! Not even close!!! I'm a healthy, normal 36 year old. It's the mental/emotional/spiritual space I found myself in as a result of my past, that made me ready & receptive to those particular directives. Then the others as well I follow, but will be the first to admit snoozing through many an amrit vela, & missing a few murlis.  I do cook for myself as much as possible, avoid garlic, onions & eggs, but again, I don't live in a vacuum where these practices are always doable. In other words, very committed as a BK, but quite realistic. The first year & a half this wasn't the case. I followed everything to a "T" & truly thought this thing was gonna carry on like that. I have come to a much more comfortable & accepting place. Aspiring towards a karmateet stage is not the same as having one! I thought it was going to all happen so fast, took everything so darned literally. Final moments of the final birth, I was in like constant marathon mode, as if it was always the home stretch. Which it is, looking from the whole cycle perspective, just not to me to be acted upon literally as if in desperation mode. Huffing & puffing your way through each second. Lol. It's hard. Its not like that. So I've just come to understanding more of the little ironies & paradoxes. Striving toward perfection does :not: entail perfectionism! Its a set up for failure. Truly doing your best is the barometer. This means accepting your big bad weaknesses, & just keeping on going. Not hiding, not being ashamed. Just continuing to grow, learn, adjust, & be yourself. Being true & real is so much what its about I think. I'll be touching on that theme here. To hide, repress etc isn't an aspect of a teaching that seeks to emerge our true selves. Its about accepting, learning, & ultimately moving past blockages. But not by denying. Doesn't mean its by indulging either- but a balanced process that lies somewhere in the middle. As it were, yes, some failures might be a stepping stone to achieving that balance. But if not coming back to the middle by choice but by force, then is this the right path? I don't pretend to know. If its going to mean tripping & fumbling, fighting the way to a finish line, this might wind up undermining the whole point--of being happy & at peace. That was one of the early subtle teachings I learned, of being :at peace: with the decisions lining this path, in order to carry on. I remember doing an internal check & ascertained a resounding yes. Om shanti. I am a being at peace. I have to be at peace with all this truly hard stuff asked of me.
I can't see struggling and straining your way through this lifetime all in the name of renunciation. That's a means to an end, not the end in and of itself. If it equates with an end to happiness, then how does one go on?  I can see how people have gotten 'screwed up.' I have felt much the same at different points. To me, this journey is meant to be a path :::lived in balance:::, not all the way to one end in a constant state of near tipping point.   I can clearly see & understand through experience (3rd year in) how monumentally challenging a path this most! definitely! is.  Hey, I'm here on an 'ex-BK' site, having found myself struggling left and right at times for answers that its clear aren't going to come from 'the powers that be' -and I don't mean ShivBaba. Lol, He will :always: have the answers--- but subtle signals in silence are sometimes harder to interpret than the words & wisdom of experience as expressed by fellow souls in the know.  He's my number one go-to friend, teacher, father... all relationships, truly. But, & its a big but, we are not meant to shun people.. The words detached and aloof have been confused with one another it seems to me. I do see a lot of cold and aloof in place of detached and loving.  So when I say 'powers that be' not necessarily being there for ya, its that yes, a bit shy in the warmth/approachability/relatability /communication/compassion department I have found.
There is this 'unspoken' theme. And I mean literally. Literally, things go 'unspoken' about. Understandably, to 'go into' something lends energy to it, leading to expansion, & who wants to expand the 'bad?' You hear "where attention goes, energy flows" and so thus, the teaching to speak less, go into silence for answers, hand our burdens over etc. are there, rather than also just straight up acknowledging a problem or issue. Here it can be tough.  Hiding &/or repression can come about.  Or really, confusion.  You wonder what the heck is wrong with you, I went through that phase big time. I never heard anyone talking about how hard this really can be. Yes the catch all words like obstacles, tests, maya, battlefield, all that, in every murli. This I'm aware. What Im talking about is a fellowship of people with whom to feel ok not feeling ok around, if that's the case. make sense? I have found very few to just sort of get real with sometimes. Its not for lack of making friends, connecting with teachers etc. This I have done. Its that across the board, most just seem to not want to allow a 'crack in the mold' (seems this is the metaphor of the day Wink through which to permit some old fashioned down to earth-ness to shine through.  I am not in the least defaming anyone. I truly love, admire, respect & care for every individual I know in the family, & it's many. Everyone really does shine. What I'm more referring to is the social construct in place that simply does not allow for a truly honest flow sometimes. We're told about the importance of keeping honesty with the Father. But I think it can be healthy to have it among His kids too. To be there for one another in times of difficulty, to say it like it is sometimes. That's really all I am saying. So, here I write. It's to me a healthy & beneficial avenue that's become available nowadays, so maybe its just what the doctor ordered, all things having their time & place, reason & season. I have never posted a blog before. Been a passive onlooker only, don't even know how it all works yet. (if someone posts some response do I get an email or something with a link to it? Lol, like I said, don't know what am doing technology wise. Just wanted to share.)
To me, I've come to understand the daily teachings as something to be interpreted--what I've come to understand churning to mean-- as opposed to always taken literally.  Here is where I see a dichotomy. There are many, a majority I wanna say, who take the words in the murli quite literally. What has dawned on me (thanks to everything from Baba to fellow bloggers BK & otherwise, to classes from certain seniors on the Madhuban jewels website, to my own meditation & churning, to even a divination session with clairvoyant) is that its more like codes meant to be unlocked via experience. Literal in one sense, but also truly multidimensional, like prismatic-- and this aspect can only be tapped into with a willingness toward open mindedness.  One kind of interpretation is limiting & 'cold- making' (frozen mold imagery again) and another is open to the fluidity of life, the ups & downs, the twists & turns-- much like the proverbial roller coaster--- which is a :game: after all. It's the attitude of remembering that. It's like Baba knows darn well what we're up against. Basically the impossible. Of Course He's going to be always nothing less than positive, constantly, continually holding up an image of perfection for us to aspire to, & to be reminded of as our potential. The mistake, to me, as am learning by doing, is omitting humanness in the quest to be angelic. The alphabet doesn't go from A right to Z. There is so much in between. Maybe this is today's Vishnu. There's creation & destruction, but a whole lot of sustenance in between. We are instructed to make this confluence aged life an elevated one, being the first of the 21 & all.  Taught about the utmost value of :this: lifetime, paving the way, a template of sorts, for the age to come... If that's the case (which I am a believer it is) it bears keeping in mind that we are still in this 'old' world. We're not outta here yet. No sense in pretending we are. By that I only mean a glossing over kind of mentality toward the delicate intricacies of everyday life. Relationships & responsibilities toward ourselves & others. I guess that's gonna be the main gist of my writing today.  In a phrase, keeping it real.
I am super appreciative of, as I mentioned earlier, the presence of this site. And others too, I'm sure you've been to them all. Glad to cross paths with you all, dig the ever respectful, non-judgemental tone throughout & thank you for the warm welcome Joel.
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